Bill and Schmidt: The First Matrix Avenger Assassins
(Thumbs up if you found at least four pop-culture references.)
Gone are the days of the Greek heroes, the tall and muscular men with corded muscles and rippling abs. Draped in the skimpiest of loincloths, they fought a dreaded beast and wore its skin in victory, and a pretty maiden swooned somewhere. Today’s hero is a scrawny, pasty-skinned guy who can punch out over 200 wpm on a computer wired into the world’s data-banks, saving the universe one line of code at a time.
Meet Bill, our 32-year old hacker, introvert and shameful coffee addict. Bill’s last foray into the world of socialising was tragically interrupted by a prank. This event would seem to be an ordinary occurrence to the audience, but is injected with great meaning and loaded with trauma for poor little Bill. The only living beings he now has actual contact with are his cat, Ms. Snuffles, and the occasional delivery guy who brings him sustenance he orders over the internet.
In a seemingly innocent chatroom, Bill has just stumbled onto a secret so great people only know its name – The Matrix. Since he has absolutely nothing else to do with his time, Bill goes around searching in every possible forum, “What is the Matrix?” Someone replies with, “Who is John Galt?” This sends Bill manically searching for “John Galt”.
“John Galt” must have been a codeword for something, as Bill’s computer is now flooded with pictures and articles of some terrorist named Morpheus. Before his brain can freeze in fear that an international terrorist appeared to have gotten past his firewalls and was attacking his computer with pop-ups and *gasp* pop-unders, he feels the inexplicable urge to sleep and promptly passes out on his keyboard.
Bill is kidnapped on the one day he helps his landlady take out her garbage. A strange orange bald, or balding, man with two full-headed cohorts is talking to him in a poorly put on German accent. He appears to be speaking very slowly so Bill can understand him, but all he hears is some mumbling about a star, a ring and some broken sword. He cannot stand the torture and begins screaming. The clear moment of realisation in a lucid dream strikes him, and he wakes up. Damn, too much coffee before bed again.
While searching for “John Galt”, Bill had serendipitously made contact with Trinity, who was famous for having cracked the IRS d-base. He sets up a meeting in an out-of-the-way club to pick Trinity’s brains, but is instead met by some leather-clad chick that knocks him out. When he comes to, the only thing he can see is his reflection, covered in pock marks. It moves, and he stares into a pair of eyes buried in the bald head.
“I imagine that right now, you’re feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?”
Bill feels he’s done a lot of tumbling, indeed. Lulled to sleep by some interminable speech the man was giving, it was some time before he’s roughly shaken awake.
“Damn, I forgot that people who have just met me tend to fall asleep due to all my plot exposition. I’m not called Morpheus for nothing. Here, you can take the red pill to give you immunity, or the blue pill to forget you ever met me.”
Bill is about to reach for the blue pill when he remembers the leather clad chick. A different head begins thinking for him, and he hastily swallows the red pill instead. And promptly feels a world of pain, and blacks out.
When he wakes up, Morpheus is staring at him intently. Before he can say, “Where am I?” Morpheus launches into more plot exposition that puts him to sleep again. He vaguely recalls being referred to as “Neo”, and tries to tell Morpheus he’s got the wrong guy. All that comes out is a snore.
A large-bosomed nanny is giving him a cookie and telling him he is waiting for something. Damn right he was waiting, he wanted a glass of milk but this “Oracle” person didn’t seem to get it. Also, he was still a virgin and hadn’t found “the right moment” to tell Trinity about his crush.
On his way back, he sees a black cat and realises how much he misses Ms. Snuffles. He should’ve really had that milk, he thinks, as Morpheus takes the fall for him while he is whisked away to safety by Trinity.
Bill realises the gravity of the situation and decides to mount a rescue operation.
“We have to save him, Trinity, he’s the only way I can get any goddamn sleep around this place!”
Trinity is a stubborn bitch. “I’m going with you.”
“No you’re not, you’re a woman I have a secret crush on and I can’t let your behind get too small from running your ass off.”
“My butt is big enough for three people, Neo, that’s why they call me Trinity. Oh, and I’m your boss, so you can go to Hell.”
“… Excellent! But you keep getting my name wrong, dammit.”
Bill channels decades of video game manoeuvres, telling himself it was just a virtual reality program. He had, of course, slept through Morpheus’ speech about the mind making it all real, as the red pill hadn’t fully kicked in yet.
This brave move gets Trinity saving his life and looking at him adoringly. Bill can’t take the sexual frustration anymore and unleashes hell to save Morpheus, just to hear some more plot exposition. Just as they are leaving and being chased by that German elf (again), Trinity tells him that she has something to tell him. Man, these people were long winded. But maybe he’d finally find out who this “John Galt” guy was, it kept bothering him.
Too late, as Mr. Elf attacks. (He looks strangely pale now, but continues to be bald.) He tries running his ass off, but his tushie’s too small and he can get only so far on it. He’s shot and is dying, thinking forlornly of how he will never get to have sex, but he suddenly hears Trinity’s voice tell him she loves Neo, and to get up.
Bill is heartbroken as he realises Trinity loves the idea of Neo, and not Bill himself, and feels so angry he opens a can o’ whoop-ass on Agent Schmidt. Or was it Smith?
He wakes up from the Matrix just to yell at her, but is promptly smothered by his first real kiss. Hey, what guy can say “No” to that? Morpheus was staring but damn, those pills were good at keeping him up.