Depressing Retrospection

I am a student.

Now that would normally mean that my primary goal in life is to study, to understand the foundation concepts of my chosen field of study, and understand their advanced applications in a myriad of techniques and disciplines that further the understanding of the world around us. It would also mean that I must hone my skills to contribute in future to either humanity’s knowledge-base, or the economy.

I have spent my entire time at this institution distracting myself in every possible which-way. I have squandered a part of my life, and the past few weeks have seen me in varying levels of a depression that has set in from this realization. Late in the day, as it would seem.

I apparently go to a Premier Institute For Higher Education, which I will henceforth refer to as “Pig Sty” for my typing and venting convenience.

When I began my tenure at Pig Sty, I had no delusions and no expectations (unlike the others in my flock – they apparently thought it would be ‘fun’). My life was at a low plateau at the time, and education seemed to be the least of my worries. I have never been someone who took their studies as serious as they should have, only, people don’t realize that when they look at my performance. I’d be watching a movie I got the night previous to an exam, while people slog night-long, and I’d end up doing better than them.

I think why that happened was because I maximize my gain from classroom presence, thereby minimizing the need for protracted periods of study For an exam. Well, at least to make an above-average score. Excellence, of course, never comes without work, and my academic record here proves it.

With such a background, and with the multitude of “opportunities” that Pig Sty provides, I was in the perfect place to dabble in everything. Unfortunately, that also meant that I was in the worst place to gain expertise in something.

I have completed half my stipulated tenure at Pig Sty, and what do I have to show for it? Sure, a cupboard full of trophies, files overflowing with certificates, a phone book full of developed contacts and a very high profile for a student considered to be par excellence so quickly into college. Pig Sty had seen nothing like me before.

It is very easy to get carried away by that sort of “glory”. It is very easy to think that you’re exactly where you want to be, and very easy to delude yourself into thinking that this is what you want, and that you are doing all you can.

Right now, I try to think of exactly how all these “achievements” are going to help me carve my future, and all I can come up with is Zilch. Nada. Zippo. The Big ‘0’. (Not That ‘O’, silly!)

Blot is an idiot. And feeling the full weight of that realization has been a crushing experience that has left me numb.

This is not as trivial an issue as it may seem to anyone randomly reading it. I have never had to really work for any of my “achievements” thus far. I think a part of me chose to drown in these activities for that very reason. I’ve made a lot of choices based on what was easy, because I didn’t really care to work for something better, which seemed a little harder. I could just explain it away to myself, saying it wasn’t realistic for my abilities. I constantly told myself I wasn’t good enough – because it’s easy to say that and subsequently excuse yourself for lacklustre grades.

That isn’t going to get me anywhere stable in life. Pig Sty (pun intended…) can only get me so far with its limited reach. To achieve greatness, we stand on the shoulders of giants, and I have resigned myself to a flyspeck.

I have given so much to this Pig Sty, for nothing. The past period of my life has been a complete and utter waste.

So, what does a disillusioned, disheartened and debased student like me do?

Make amends, my brothers and only friends. And no, not in an Alex-ish way.

The hop from Pig Sty to WIMWI is going to be a really long one, in more ways than the obvious. I hope that, in the due course of time, I shall look back on this entry and smile contentedly at that last sentence.

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